Reciprocation is where you feel inclined to do something for someone else because they did something for you. It’s about returning a favor, I help you, you help me.
A great deal of modern marketing is based on reciprocation. It’s a natural impulse and probably something that keeps society bound together.
The classic example is where a charity “gives” you something, anything from a sticker through to greetings cards, and you feel compelled to make a donation.
In the online sphere we give free information so people will feel inclined to sign up for a newsletter or RSS, as in the case of my free Creating Killer Flagship Content ebook.
It also happens a great deal in social media, and in fact works pretty well in those cases. I vote for you and maybe you will feel more inclined to vote for my next story. People re-tweet your message and you feel a lot warmer to them next time you see their name.
Lately I have seen a growing number of people using it in networking or to gain favors or a leg up. Emails saying “Is there anything I can help you with?”, contacts saying “I submitted your article to Reddit and StumbleUpon”, and so on.
The thing is, even when you suspect what is going on, you still feel indebted in a way. I wonder how much of this is acceptable and when it becomes, well, just wrong.
Where should the line be drawn. When do simple favors become manipulation or trickery? How can we maintain the favors while protecting ourselves from the frauds?
Please let me know what you think in the comments …
Chris Garrett is here to help you and your business attract an engaged audience of people who grow to know, like and trust you.
I always feel incredibly urged to “give back” to people I’ve learned a lot from, even if “only” through their blogs. I think more people are starting to see that giving back like that CAN be beneficial to yourself as well. The problem is when people start expecting favors back…
I don’t mind people asking me for things if they’ve done something for me, but I won’t feel bad when I say no because I can’t or don’t want to do something for them. If then they come back with an annoyed reply like “but I did this and this for you”, it’s the end of the relation…
I always feel incredibly urged to “give back” to people I’ve learned a lot from, even if “only” through their blogs. I think more people are starting to see that giving back like that CAN be beneficial to yourself as well. The problem is when people start expecting favors back…
I don’t mind people asking me for things if they’ve done something for me, but I won’t feel bad when I say no because I can’t or don’t want to do something for them. If then they come back with an annoyed reply like “but I did this and this for you”, it’s the end of the relation…
Yes it is that “I am only doing this to compel you to help me” aspect that is the tricky bit. Sometimes too the favors are out of balance, “I bought you a beer now you have to help me move house”
Yes it is that “I am only doing this to compel you to help me” aspect that is the tricky bit. Sometimes too the favors are out of balance, “I bought you a beer now you have to help me move house”
I don’t feel compelled or urged or encouraged to give back at all – because I have the self-confidence and the self-esteem to not feel guilty when something is not deserving of a reciprocal favor.
I get a Digg request. But I READ first. Is it good? Is it worth a Digg, no matter who sent the request? Yes? Digg, then. No? Well, cripes, DON’T digg.
I would much prefer to earn the reciprocal benefits of a relationship because I deserve them and give them for the same reasons. End of story. None of this “have to” stuff flies with me.
I don’t feel compelled or urged or encouraged to give back at all – because I have the self-confidence and the self-esteem to not feel guilty when something is not deserving of a reciprocal favor.
I get a Digg request. But I READ first. Is it good? Is it worth a Digg, no matter who sent the request? Yes? Digg, then. No? Well, cripes, DON’T digg.
I would much prefer to earn the reciprocal benefits of a relationship because I deserve them and give them for the same reasons. End of story. None of this “have to” stuff flies with me.
It’s getting out of control if you ask me. People I don’t even know are Skyping me or sending emails asking for Diggs or Stumbles and I haven’t a clue who they are. My thought is this, if I don’t you,if you don’t take the time out to say hello to me now and then, I’m not going to give you anything. I once wrote about abusing online friendships because I find this so frustrating.
I also don’t think anyone should feel obligated to offer social love to anything they wouldn’t normally give a thumb up – no matter who it is. I’m not enjoying the whole “lets scratch each others’ backs” mentality much lately.
It’s getting out of control if you ask me. People I don’t even know are Skyping me or sending emails asking for Diggs or Stumbles and I haven’t a clue who they are. My thought is this, if I don’t you,if you don’t take the time out to say hello to me now and then, I’m not going to give you anything. I once wrote about abusing online friendships because I find this so frustrating.
I also don’t think anyone should feel obligated to offer social love to anything they wouldn’t normally give a thumb up – no matter who it is. I’m not enjoying the whole “lets scratch each others’ backs” mentality much lately.
In a way, reciprocity is the basis for how I do business. I am in constant contact with hundreds of publishers. Most of the time, I call to see how their business is holding up and what new products they have coming out. This is partly because I’m curious, but also because it is something I need to do to stay on top of my profession.
I’m always keeping my ear out for opportunities to help, though. A missed deadline because an editor bailed? I know some people who can help. An advertisement that doesn’t quite fit the bill? Sure, I’ll give some feedback and some tips on how to make it better. If I think one of their products would fit well with a podcast, I will suggest it to the show host even.
The fact is that when these people need something, they know they can come to me for help. It’s because of this that they often contact me when they want to spend money. If they need a podcast or want to advertise, they’re going to call up the guy who is always showing an interest in their business and has saved them time and money in the past. In a way, I guess they may feel some pressure to reciprocate, but that is how real relationships work.
It’s about helping people you have a relationship with because you want to.
My version of reciprocity – a natural outgrowth of relationships built over a long period of time – may be an aberration, though. I realize you were talking about a different type, but I couldn’t help but show “the better way.”
In a way, reciprocity is the basis for how I do business. I am in constant contact with hundreds of publishers. Most of the time, I call to see how their business is holding up and what new products they have coming out. This is partly because I’m curious, but also because it is something I need to do to stay on top of my profession.
I’m always keeping my ear out for opportunities to help, though. A missed deadline because an editor bailed? I know some people who can help. An advertisement that doesn’t quite fit the bill? Sure, I’ll give some feedback and some tips on how to make it better. If I think one of their products would fit well with a podcast, I will suggest it to the show host even.
The fact is that when these people need something, they know they can come to me for help. It’s because of this that they often contact me when they want to spend money. If they need a podcast or want to advertise, they’re going to call up the guy who is always showing an interest in their business and has saved them time and money in the past. In a way, I guess they may feel some pressure to reciprocate, but that is how real relationships work.
It’s about helping people you have a relationship with because you want to.
My version of reciprocity – a natural outgrowth of relationships built over a long period of time – may be an aberration, though. I realize you were talking about a different type, but I couldn’t help but show “the better way.”
@James – It always has to be done true to yourself, indeed. A bit of self promotion is good, coercing others into promoting you, just wrong.
@Deb – Yeah it seems to have gone from “if you like it” to “you have to now, I voted for you!” in many cases, or “You didn’t vote for me so I am never voting on your (great) stuff ever again”
@Ed – Thanks Ed, it is good to see there is a way this can work for all concerned. Striking that balance is key, making it about being helpful without expecting anything in return and being grateful when favors are returned.
@James – It always has to be done true to yourself, indeed. A bit of self promotion is good, coercing others into promoting you, just wrong.
@Deb – Yeah it seems to have gone from “if you like it” to “you have to now, I voted for you!” in many cases, or “You didn’t vote for me so I am never voting on your (great) stuff ever again”
@Ed – Thanks Ed, it is good to see there is a way this can work for all concerned. Striking that balance is key, making it about being helpful without expecting anything in return and being grateful when favors are returned.
I was thinking about this yesterday, deleting a number of email requests to “help” promote posts that offered neither fresh news nor compelling insight… and seeing more and more Twitter notes about which posts have been stumbled or dugg.
Of course there’s always some self-interest in the things we do for others: human nature. We all want to be liked and have good things done for us in return… but yes, this is getting out of hand. Out of balance. And anyway, whatever happened to the idea that a good deed must be done in silence to ‘count’ towards good karma?
I was thinking about this yesterday, deleting a number of email requests to “help” promote posts that offered neither fresh news nor compelling insight… and seeing more and more Twitter notes about which posts have been stumbled or dugg.
Of course there’s always some self-interest in the things we do for others: human nature. We all want to be liked and have good things done for us in return… but yes, this is getting out of hand. Out of balance. And anyway, whatever happened to the idea that a good deed must be done in silence to ‘count’ towards good karma?
I’m with James. I gracefully decline to Digg articles that don’t jive with me.
That’s not to say I haven’t sent those “would appreciate a Digg if you like this” emails to those I work with online, but I always follow 2 rules:
1) I ask people to Digg only if they *liked* the article and
2) I only ask people I *know* ahead of time will like it.
There’s nothing wrong with asking support from others. But it has to be relevant and non-intrusive.
I’m with James. I gracefully decline to Digg articles that don’t jive with me.
That’s not to say I haven’t sent those “would appreciate a Digg if you like this” emails to those I work with online, but I always follow 2 rules:
1) I ask people to Digg only if they *liked* the article and
2) I only ask people I *know* ahead of time will like it.
There’s nothing wrong with asking support from others. But it has to be relevant and non-intrusive.
@Jen – Oops, I didn’t know there were Karma rules! just a second ago I tweeted to someone I had stumbled their post
@Dave – I think the knowing ahead of time is a key part, it’s not a blanket beg but “I think you will like this but no pressure” is fine
@Jen – Oops, I didn’t know there were Karma rules! just a second ago I tweeted to someone I had stumbled their post
@Dave – I think the knowing ahead of time is a key part, it’s not a blanket beg but “I think you will like this but no pressure” is fine
I agree with James and Dave concerning the Digg subject. The same thing applies to SU. I only digg and SU if I like what I read.
However when people come to me and offer their help for instance with small tips on how to improve my blog design and then asks for a link back afterwards. Did they cross the line after that?
Personally I would never ask for anything in return whether I help with a tip or Digg.
I’m really not into the you scrub my back I scrub yours-thing.
If people need my help I’ll gladly help them out, but I don’t expect anything in return.
To be honest the above mentioned example has actually made me think twice everytime I get some advice/help from someone else.
“What do they want in return”?
I agree with James and Dave concerning the Digg subject. The same thing applies to SU. I only digg and SU if I like what I read.
However when people come to me and offer their help for instance with small tips on how to improve my blog design and then asks for a link back afterwards. Did they cross the line after that?
Personally I would never ask for anything in return whether I help with a tip or Digg.
I’m really not into the you scrub my back I scrub yours-thing.
If people need my help I’ll gladly help them out, but I don’t expect anything in return.
To be honest the above mentioned example has actually made me think twice everytime I get some advice/help from someone else.
“What do they want in return”?
Here’s my take:
For the most part, I like to help folks. That’s what my brand is about. When it comes to other writers (my niche) I offer as much free help, with no expectation of reciprocity, as time allows.
I also keep that help within the limits of conscience – i.e., I don’t Digg crap.
It usually comes back in a good way. Sometimes it comes via backlinks, sometimes via business referrals. Sometimes, I never hear from the person again. That’s all OK.
On average, I come out pretty good with this approach.
Here’s my take:
For the most part, I like to help folks. That’s what my brand is about. When it comes to other writers (my niche) I offer as much free help, with no expectation of reciprocity, as time allows.
I also keep that help within the limits of conscience – i.e., I don’t Digg crap.
It usually comes back in a good way. Sometimes it comes via backlinks, sometimes via business referrals. Sometimes, I never hear from the person again. That’s all OK.
On average, I come out pretty good with this approach.
I used to ask people to stumble, etc., but I stopped for two reasons: I find that I get social media love anyways without asking for it, and at least 99.9% of what people ask me to promote is not something I care to. I’ve taken reciprocity off the table as tit-for-tat tactic.
Of course I still stumble and promote loads of stuff by the folks my “blog pack” and others that is great content. I don’t do it with any idea of reciprocity in mind, because I don’t have to.
When you are just starting out, a deliberate reciprocal arrangement can help boost those in the arrangement, but only for so long. Eventually, you could be hurting your own social media presence by promoting the weak content of others just for the sake of reciprocity.
I used to ask people to stumble, etc., but I stopped for two reasons: I find that I get social media love anyways without asking for it, and at least 99.9% of what people ask me to promote is not something I care to. I’ve taken reciprocity off the table as tit-for-tat tactic.
Of course I still stumble and promote loads of stuff by the folks my “blog pack” and others that is great content. I don’t do it with any idea of reciprocity in mind, because I don’t have to.
When you are just starting out, a deliberate reciprocal arrangement can help boost those in the arrangement, but only for so long. Eventually, you could be hurting your own social media presence by promoting the weak content of others just for the sake of reciprocity.
For the love of the angels, can’t people just be nice, helpful and otherwise interested in others while not being suspected of anything sinister anymore?
Yes, I’m familiar with the “Quid Quo Pro” sales approach (which could apply to Chris’ example). BNet talked about this earlier this spring…
Stop Consulting for Free
http://blogs.bnet.com/salesmachine/?p=295
How “Quid Pro Quo” Selling Works
http://blogs.bnet.com/salesmachine/?p=298
…but it doesn’t mean that everyone turns into a prospect or a channel to a prospect!
It’s cynicism like this that can lead to a vicious cycle: since it can be harder to build meaningful relationships (online or off), people go the extra mile to show acquaintances that they’re sincere which then causes the acquaintance to question the sincerity.
An online example –> It’s cynicism like this that causes people to ask “Why do you want to help me build my network of prospects and partners” when a potential networking opportunity presents (try TweetWheel.com for this). Well, maybe that’s less cynicism and more surprise but it still speaks to the era we’re in right now.
An offline example –> It’s cynicism like this that’s losing GenY kids potential jobs: their volunteer efforts are considered insincere. Imagine. Thank goodness I’m GenX.
I mean…Shucks, people.
For the love of the angels, can’t people just be nice, helpful and otherwise interested in others while not being suspected of anything sinister anymore?
Yes, I’m familiar with the “Quid Quo Pro” sales approach (which could apply to Chris’ example). BNet talked about this earlier this spring…
Stop Consulting for Free
http://blogs.bnet.com/salesmachine/?p=295
How “Quid Pro Quo” Selling Works
http://blogs.bnet.com/salesmachine/?p=298
…but it doesn’t mean that everyone turns into a prospect or a channel to a prospect!
It’s cynicism like this that can lead to a vicious cycle: since it can be harder to build meaningful relationships (online or off), people go the extra mile to show acquaintances that they’re sincere which then causes the acquaintance to question the sincerity.
An online example –> It’s cynicism like this that causes people to ask “Why do you want to help me build my network of prospects and partners” when a potential networking opportunity presents (try TweetWheel.com for this). Well, maybe that’s less cynicism and more surprise but it still speaks to the era we’re in right now.
An offline example –> It’s cynicism like this that’s losing GenY kids potential jobs: their volunteer efforts are considered insincere. Imagine. Thank goodness I’m GenX.
I mean…Shucks, people.
I have to admit that I – for the moment – am more on the taking side than on the giving, although I have to overcome myself in order to be able to ask a favour of someone – for example having a look at my blog and telling me his or her opinion. And I feel a bit bad because I want to give the favour back and don’t know how. So I just offered my help, just to signal that I know that the other person is doing me a favour.
Ulla
I have to admit that I – for the moment – am more on the taking side than on the giving, although I have to overcome myself in order to be able to ask a favour of someone – for example having a look at my blog and telling me his or her opinion. And I feel a bit bad because I want to give the favour back and don’t know how. So I just offered my help, just to signal that I know that the other person is doing me a favour.
Ulla
To follow-up my “go-along, get along” post, here’s a more mercenary one…
I absolutely believe in mechanical reciprocity – doing favors for people for business reasons, divorced from a personal attachment to a brand our service. What do I mean by this?
Michael and I are friendly; we have a relationship, whether professional or personal. When Michael’s new book comes out, I’m going to plug it on my blog… even if I haven’t read it. I might not say “This book is great, you have to get it!” I will say “My friend just published a book you might like to check out,” though.
I do this, by the way, knowing that Michael will plug my next book on his blog. I wouldn’t be ashamed of outright asking him to, either. I’d never tie it to my own plugging of his work, but there is no shame in asking your connections to help you out.
It still goes back to relationships, though. I would never give a endorsement, however slight, to someone I don’t know, or whose product/service I have no experience with.
If a favour is done for me with the right intentions then I am happy to reciprocate but when the time is appropriate not straight away just because they helped me out. However if it is done solely for ‘I scratch your back, if you scratch mine’ then I tend to be a bit mistrusting.
To follow-up my “go-along, get along” post, here’s a more mercenary one…
I absolutely believe in mechanical reciprocity – doing favors for people for business reasons, divorced from a personal attachment to a brand our service. What do I mean by this?
Michael and I are friendly; we have a relationship, whether professional or personal. When Michael’s new book comes out, I’m going to plug it on my blog… even if I haven’t read it. I might not say “This book is great, you have to get it!” I will say “My friend just published a book you might like to check out,” though.
I do this, by the way, knowing that Michael will plug my next book on his blog. I wouldn’t be ashamed of outright asking him to, either. I’d never tie it to my own plugging of his work, but there is no shame in asking your connections to help you out.
It still goes back to relationships, though. I would never give a endorsement, however slight, to someone I don’t know, or whose product/service I have no experience with.
If a favour is done for me with the right intentions then I am happy to reciprocate but when the time is appropriate not straight away just because they helped me out. However if it is done solely for ‘I scratch your back, if you scratch mine’ then I tend to be a bit mistrusting.
Bob Burg has written a great book called Endless Referrals…and in his first chapters he states the 50/50 win is no win at all. It’s stifling. We should give freely without expectation of return and as a rule…we get much more back than we could ever have imagined.
It is more powerful to give this way psychologically for the giver and the received because the irony is the person who received at some point in time will give generously because they want to and as a rule, much more than they ever received…and the cycle repeats itself.
As long as you maintain your own ethics, morality and sense of self in the process, there is real abundance. It never fails. Trust me on this
Bob Burg has written a great book called Endless Referrals…and in his first chapters he states the 50/50 win is no win at all. It’s stifling. We should give freely without expectation of return and as a rule…we get much more back than we could ever have imagined.
It is more powerful to give this way psychologically for the giver and the received because the irony is the person who received at some point in time will give generously because they want to and as a rule, much more than they ever received…and the cycle repeats itself.
As long as you maintain your own ethics, morality and sense of self in the process, there is real abundance. It never fails. Trust me on this
Chris:
This was an excellent discussion on the art of reciprocation.
Let me speak for myself because I think all of us view this in different ways. I have a sense of intuition where I know people aren’t being authentic. Of course, I’m not going to name any names but there’s one particular blogger in mind who is constantly asking people to Stumble, Digg and spread the word about her articles. Then she says, “What can I do for you? I’ll do it for you too!”
It got to the point where I knew she was using (quite successfully I might add) the hidden guilt some of us feel when she does something like stumbling or digging (or whatever) for me. I take fully responsibility for allowing myself to feel guilty or obligated to give back to someone like that.
All I can say Chris is you know deep down inside when someone is trying to manipulate you via masquerading as someone “doing you favors.” You just feel it. You have a sense of “knowing” – I’m not sure how else to explain it.
But really, you nailed it on the head. There’s this sense of wanting to return the favor in almost all of us – it can’t be helped. But once you know you’re being manipulated for the sake of returning a favor, it starts to feel yucky. I don’t like that feeling. I’ve already had this happen to me once or twice.
How I handled it was by asking that person to stop sending me requests to Digg or Stumble articles. She actually had the gall to put my name on an email list assuming assuming that because she did me favors before, I wouldn’t mind. Well, I did mind! That was like the last straw. I told her to take me off that list.
Excellent, excellent post – I throughly enjoyed it.
One more thing before I go. I hate to think this could happen to me as I grow over time…..
But it’s unavoidable that when you reach a certain level of “celebrity-hood” (whether you’re Oprah-famous or Internet-famous), you will attract the attention of people who want you to help them get to the next level. I think the key is to expect that with a healthy dose of skepticism. As long as we don’t get paranoid and wonder if everyone we meet is the “real deal” or “trying to take advantage of us,” we’ll be able to filter out the manipulators versus the genuine.
My two cents.
Chris:
This was an excellent discussion on the art of reciprocation.
Let me speak for myself because I think all of us view this in different ways. I have a sense of intuition where I know people aren’t being authentic. Of course, I’m not going to name any names but there’s one particular blogger in mind who is constantly asking people to Stumble, Digg and spread the word about her articles. Then she says, “What can I do for you? I’ll do it for you too!”
It got to the point where I knew she was using (quite successfully I might add) the hidden guilt some of us feel when she does something like stumbling or digging (or whatever) for me. I take fully responsibility for allowing myself to feel guilty or obligated to give back to someone like that.
All I can say Chris is you know deep down inside when someone is trying to manipulate you via masquerading as someone “doing you favors.” You just feel it. You have a sense of “knowing” – I’m not sure how else to explain it.
But really, you nailed it on the head. There’s this sense of wanting to return the favor in almost all of us – it can’t be helped. But once you know you’re being manipulated for the sake of returning a favor, it starts to feel yucky. I don’t like that feeling. I’ve already had this happen to me once or twice.
How I handled it was by asking that person to stop sending me requests to Digg or Stumble articles. She actually had the gall to put my name on an email list assuming assuming that because she did me favors before, I wouldn’t mind. Well, I did mind! That was like the last straw. I told her to take me off that list.
Excellent, excellent post – I throughly enjoyed it.
One more thing before I go. I hate to think this could happen to me as I grow over time…..
But it’s unavoidable that when you reach a certain level of “celebrity-hood” (whether you’re Oprah-famous or Internet-famous), you will attract the attention of people who want you to help them get to the next level. I think the key is to expect that with a healthy dose of skepticism. As long as we don’t get paranoid and wonder if everyone we meet is the “real deal” or “trying to take advantage of us,” we’ll be able to filter out the manipulators versus the genuine.
My two cents.
The ultimate resource on this is Cialdini’s “Influence: The Psychology Of Persuasion,” and, in it he showed how the reciprocity impulse can, indeed be tapped to induce favors, even disproportionate ones.
But, he also shows how reciprocity is critically important to the functioning and survival of society. In fact, it’s so critical, it is one of the only behavioral attributes that appears in nearly every culture in the world, regardless of geography, ethnicity or pedagogy. It’s far more primal, the grease that keeps the wheels moving.
Random requests for Diggs is not about reciprocity, unless someone has already Dugg your submissions or posts before. And, if they have, Chris is absolutely right, the vast majority of people will find it incredibly hard to resist a request to return the favor.
We’re just not programmed that way, it’s not about self-confidence or esteem, it’s about a pervasive behavioral system that’s been ingrained in you from the get-go (James, we all know you are the king and rise above such human foibles, but us peasants still relent, hehehe).
I do favors for people all the time. And, I actively seek to help those with whom I resonate, because that makes me feel good. And, yes, I know in the back of my mind, should the time come when I need their help, they’ll be more likely to give it.
But, what I do NOT do or expect others to do for me are acts that in any way challenge my sense of ethics. Digging based on indebtedness, rather than value is a perfect example.
With Digg, if everyone Dugg submissions based on favors, the system would lose all of it’s value as a source for great content and, instead become a pure vehicle for marketing.
Inevitably, this would lead to it’s demise, because without it’s mission to promote the best content, Diggs value quickly plummets.
So, am I more likely to consider a Digg request for a post from someone who has Dugg a bunch of mine, probably so. But I still won’t hit the button unless, in my heart, I truly believe it’s worthy of a Digg.
It’s a longwinded answer, Chris, but I think a solid way to manage the siren called of the reciprocity impulse is to simply draw your own line in the sand. Say, “I am happy to ‘consider’ doing a favor for someone who’s done a similar one for me, but I won’t cross any ethical lines, nor will I response disproportionately.”
The bigger challenge is trying to suss out people who pile on favors without any genuine interest in helping you, but rather with the express and sole purpose of creating the greatest possible sense of indebtedness with the goal of tapping that reservoir down the road.
Two questions – How do you figure out who is who? I’m afraid, there, my answer is still very much a work in progress.
And, two, for me the bigger one – is that a bad thing if you benefit substantially from their prior actions?
Nobody likes to feel indebted…but would you give back all the benefit received from their prior acts in exchange for being able to unburden yourself?
Something to ponder over the weekend!
The ultimate resource on this is Cialdini’s “Influence: The Psychology Of Persuasion,” and, in it he showed how the reciprocity impulse can, indeed be tapped to induce favors, even disproportionate ones.
But, he also shows how reciprocity is critically important to the functioning and survival of society. In fact, it’s so critical, it is one of the only behavioral attributes that appears in nearly every culture in the world, regardless of geography, ethnicity or pedagogy. It’s far more primal, the grease that keeps the wheels moving.
Random requests for Diggs is not about reciprocity, unless someone has already Dugg your submissions or posts before. And, if they have, Chris is absolutely right, the vast majority of people will find it incredibly hard to resist a request to return the favor.
We’re just not programmed that way, it’s not about self-confidence or esteem, it’s about a pervasive behavioral system that’s been ingrained in you from the get-go (James, we all know you are the king and rise above such human foibles, but us peasants still relent, hehehe).
I do favors for people all the time. And, I actively seek to help those with whom I resonate, because that makes me feel good. And, yes, I know in the back of my mind, should the time come when I need their help, they’ll be more likely to give it.
But, what I do NOT do or expect others to do for me are acts that in any way challenge my sense of ethics. Digging based on indebtedness, rather than value is a perfect example.
With Digg, if everyone Dugg submissions based on favors, the system would lose all of it’s value as a source for great content and, instead become a pure vehicle for marketing.
Inevitably, this would lead to it’s demise, because without it’s mission to promote the best content, Diggs value quickly plummets.
So, am I more likely to consider a Digg request for a post from someone who has Dugg a bunch of mine, probably so. But I still won’t hit the button unless, in my heart, I truly believe it’s worthy of a Digg.
It’s a longwinded answer, Chris, but I think a solid way to manage the siren called of the reciprocity impulse is to simply draw your own line in the sand. Say, “I am happy to ‘consider’ doing a favor for someone who’s done a similar one for me, but I won’t cross any ethical lines, nor will I response disproportionately.”
The bigger challenge is trying to suss out people who pile on favors without any genuine interest in helping you, but rather with the express and sole purpose of creating the greatest possible sense of indebtedness with the goal of tapping that reservoir down the road.
Two questions – How do you figure out who is who? I’m afraid, there, my answer is still very much a work in progress.
And, two, for me the bigger one – is that a bad thing if you benefit substantially from their prior actions?
Nobody likes to feel indebted…but would you give back all the benefit received from their prior acts in exchange for being able to unburden yourself?
Something to ponder over the weekend!
BTW…just Dugg and Stumbled this post, hehehehehehe!
BTW…just Dugg and Stumbled this post, hehehehehehe!
p.s.
After re-reading my comment, I also wanted to add that I agree with other commentators that if you give, do so without any expectation of return and let the universal laws of reciprocation work itself out.
I also want to say that all of us have a filter by which we view things based on our past history and past experience. If we think people are taking advantage of us, that’s what we’ll see and attract. If we think people are generally good hearted and willing to help out, then we’ll bring that into the fold too.
Really, you’ve brought up a fascinating subject!
p.s.
After re-reading my comment, I also wanted to add that I agree with other commentators that if you give, do so without any expectation of return and let the universal laws of reciprocation work itself out.
I also want to say that all of us have a filter by which we view things based on our past history and past experience. If we think people are taking advantage of us, that’s what we’ll see and attract. If we think people are generally good hearted and willing to help out, then we’ll bring that into the fold too.
Really, you’ve brought up a fascinating subject!
If someone out of nowhere says I just did this for you and it seems they expect something back I will not generally reciprocate. I might be losing some exposure by this but to me it’s like when you get a sales call on your phone at dinner time.
Someone I don’t know, wants me to do something I didn’t ask for in return for me doing the same. This may be wrong for my blog success but I don’t work that way.
If someone out of nowhere says I just did this for you and it seems they expect something back I will not generally reciprocate. I might be losing some exposure by this but to me it’s like when you get a sales call on your phone at dinner time.
Someone I don’t know, wants me to do something I didn’t ask for in return for me doing the same. This may be wrong for my blog success but I don’t work that way.
I do agree with everything that’s been said so far.
However, just playing devil’s advocate here, what do you think when others are boldly and constantly requesting help (asking for comments on posts, etc.) and you give it. Then, when you need help those others are nowhere to be found.
I don’t keep track, so this probably happens more often than I realize.
I’m generally I nice person, so when someone contacts me directly unless I find their material objectionable I’m happy to help – even if I don’t know them. However, I can’t help but notice that I ever send a help request back (which I do rarely) it is generally ignored.
I do agree with everything that’s been said so far.
However, just playing devil’s advocate here, what do you think when others are boldly and constantly requesting help (asking for comments on posts, etc.) and you give it. Then, when you need help those others are nowhere to be found.
I don’t keep track, so this probably happens more often than I realize.
I’m generally I nice person, so when someone contacts me directly unless I find their material objectionable I’m happy to help – even if I don’t know them. However, I can’t help but notice that I ever send a help request back (which I do rarely) it is generally ignored.
If the person who asks me to promote something is a close online friend I don’t mind getting an email every now and then asking me for help promoting it. I do however get tired of the multiple DAILY “shouts” I get on Digg from some of my friends. It’s a matter of frequency for me. Daily “shouts” from the same person is too much for me.
I also don’t mind getting emails from strangers asking me to promote things, but in those cases I will only promote it if I want to.
I don’t personally feel comfortable telling people when I submit things to social networks for reciprocity’s sake.
I used to do it sometimes in the comments of blogs, but I have stopped doing that for the most part.
BTW- I stumbled this
If the person who asks me to promote something is a close online friend I don’t mind getting an email every now and then asking me for help promoting it. I do however get tired of the multiple DAILY “shouts” I get on Digg from some of my friends. It’s a matter of frequency for me. Daily “shouts” from the same person is too much for me.
I also don’t mind getting emails from strangers asking me to promote things, but in those cases I will only promote it if I want to.
I don’t personally feel comfortable telling people when I submit things to social networks for reciprocity’s sake.
I used to do it sometimes in the comments of blogs, but I have stopped doing that for the most part.
BTW- I stumbled this
This is one of those issues where you just have to know yourself and understand that you can’t make everyone happy. I get plenty of requests to Digg/Stumble crap, and most of the time, I ignore it. If it’s coming from someone who I already read and respect, I’ll check it out and see.
That said, Natasha’s point struck a chord with me. Most of the stuff I Stumble or ReTweet is just stuff that I genuinely like or found useful. And, oddly enough, most of it isn’t even in my niche. I’m a home and garden writer, but I Stumble and retweet lots of writing/blogging/marketing content. I am most definitely not looking for reciprocation.
I think the medium’s gotten too muddied with all the slackers who want to game the system, and now we tend to look at everything with a fair bit of (deserved) cynicism.
This is one of those issues where you just have to know yourself and understand that you can’t make everyone happy. I get plenty of requests to Digg/Stumble crap, and most of the time, I ignore it. If it’s coming from someone who I already read and respect, I’ll check it out and see.
That said, Natasha’s point struck a chord with me. Most of the stuff I Stumble or ReTweet is just stuff that I genuinely like or found useful. And, oddly enough, most of it isn’t even in my niche. I’m a home and garden writer, but I Stumble and retweet lots of writing/blogging/marketing content. I am most definitely not looking for reciprocation.
I think the medium’s gotten too muddied with all the slackers who want to game the system, and now we tend to look at everything with a fair bit of (deserved) cynicism.
Hi Chris, great conversation going here. I realised I’d joined in on twitter but forgotten to here.
I agree with Jonathan – you have to draw your own lines in the sand. I try to be as generous as I can in terms of linking, stumbling, tweeting and promoting other people’s work (and leaving comments – those of you who think you’re not giving don’t forget the comments, they’re worth their weight in gold).
I do it based on my own assessment of what’s good, and what fits my purpose, so those who follow my links or stumbles are getting pointed in a sensible direction.
I don’t expect any favours or reciprocal arrangements. I don’t do any link exchanges. I don’t post lists of links that are going the rounds unless I’ve visited each of the sites myself (and I don’t have time to do that). I try and maintain my own integrity.
That being said, I’ve been blessed with generosity from other bloggers from the day I started. What goes around comes around I think.
Joanna
Hi Chris, great conversation going here. I realised I’d joined in on twitter but forgotten to here.
I agree with Jonathan – you have to draw your own lines in the sand. I try to be as generous as I can in terms of linking, stumbling, tweeting and promoting other people’s work (and leaving comments – those of you who think you’re not giving don’t forget the comments, they’re worth their weight in gold).
I do it based on my own assessment of what’s good, and what fits my purpose, so those who follow my links or stumbles are getting pointed in a sensible direction.
I don’t expect any favours or reciprocal arrangements. I don’t do any link exchanges. I don’t post lists of links that are going the rounds unless I’ve visited each of the sites myself (and I don’t have time to do that). I try and maintain my own integrity.
That being said, I’ve been blessed with generosity from other bloggers from the day I started. What goes around comes around I think.
Joanna
I love the idea of reciprocation. “Playing nice” and “contributing to the community” are great ways to create a reputation of fairness and generosity. People like you.
The problem I’ve had in the past, is in not knowing when to say “no.” I overextended myself because I tried to use reciprocity too much. I promised too many people too many things, and ended up not being able to do all of them in a timely manner. My experience has taught me when to say, “yes,” when to say “no,” and when to just ignore a request.
Now, I’m learning that if I offer my own services, in polite and friendly ways, to a SELECT FEW groups, I seem to be able to build better relationships with those companies, and I get more out of it in return.
I love the idea of reciprocation. “Playing nice” and “contributing to the community” are great ways to create a reputation of fairness and generosity. People like you.
The problem I’ve had in the past, is in not knowing when to say “no.” I overextended myself because I tried to use reciprocity too much. I promised too many people too many things, and ended up not being able to do all of them in a timely manner. My experience has taught me when to say, “yes,” when to say “no,” and when to just ignore a request.
Now, I’m learning that if I offer my own services, in polite and friendly ways, to a SELECT FEW groups, I seem to be able to build better relationships with those companies, and I get more out of it in return.
I’ve been watching your blog for a while now (about a month) and I love your posts, this one especially.
I can see now that I wasn’t the only one who confused business and friendship with self-worth and acceptance.
Having been a self-admitted ‘exhaler’…constantly giving and not allowing myself to ask or recieve but like John Newman, I have learned to trust myself through experience.
I know we are all hardwired with our own internal guidance system that sometimes gets overloaded; every time we are searching for the golden egg under every bush of opportunity, we get off balance…I tend to move in the direction of helping on two counts, when it feels right and when I am asked and it feels right.
My philosophy, it cannot hurt to ask anyone for anything. When I start thinking someone is pushing me too hard, like you all, I back off.
The maelstrom of backscratching will cause those segments built on hot air to fall and those of us who create worth and value and genuine joy will still be here, enjoying each other…the others will do whatever they do, move on or come back a few times and then turn up the love.
I loved Stephen’s comment “I take fully responsibility for allowing myself to feel guilty or obligated to give back to someone like that.”
I too take full responsibility, and now I have allowed myself to not go there, too. I don’t take it personally, I see it as building my own integrity which makes me a stronger person and better at the business of my time, energy, value, worth and money.
Great conversation, great post. Thank you, I feel like I was just invited to a very enjoyable garden party, please pass the hors d’oevres?
Fawn
I’ve been watching your blog for a while now (about a month) and I love your posts, this one especially.
I can see now that I wasn’t the only one who confused business and friendship with self-worth and acceptance.
Having been a self-admitted ‘exhaler’…constantly giving and not allowing myself to ask or recieve but like John Newman, I have learned to trust myself through experience.
I know we are all hardwired with our own internal guidance system that sometimes gets overloaded; every time we are searching for the golden egg under every bush of opportunity, we get off balance…I tend to move in the direction of helping on two counts, when it feels right and when I am asked and it feels right.
My philosophy, it cannot hurt to ask anyone for anything. When I start thinking someone is pushing me too hard, like you all, I back off.
The maelstrom of backscratching will cause those segments built on hot air to fall and those of us who create worth and value and genuine joy will still be here, enjoying each other…the others will do whatever they do, move on or come back a few times and then turn up the love.
I loved Stephen’s comment “I take fully responsibility for allowing myself to feel guilty or obligated to give back to someone like that.”
I too take full responsibility, and now I have allowed myself to not go there, too. I don’t take it personally, I see it as building my own integrity which makes me a stronger person and better at the business of my time, energy, value, worth and money.
Great conversation, great post. Thank you, I feel like I was just invited to a very enjoyable garden party, please pass the hors d’oevres?
Fawn
I prefer to give “forward” rather than to give “back” for this very purpose and encourage others to do the same. Sadly, if we were all more giving, everyone would have enough and then some.
I can understand the dilemma though. Some are more deserving than others. I guess I try to focus on being the person I feel it’s best for me to be and trust that the “universe” will straighten the rest out.
Not that if someone goes out of their way to be helpful I don’t notice and keep my eyes open for opportunities to show my appreciation.
I prefer to give “forward” rather than to give “back” for this very purpose and encourage others to do the same. Sadly, if we were all more giving, everyone would have enough and then some.
I can understand the dilemma though. Some are more deserving than others. I guess I try to focus on being the person I feel it’s best for me to be and trust that the “universe” will straighten the rest out.
Not that if someone goes out of their way to be helpful I don’t notice and keep my eyes open for opportunities to show my appreciation.
One of the most interesting & important discussions I’ve seen on this blog to date & I’ve been reading for nearly 12 months…so that’s saying something.
This whole Web 2.0 thing (are we still calling it that?) seems to be built on reciprocation. It’s almost the NEW ‘Community Service’, being part of a community (blogging, e-commerce, social networking, or whatever your little corner of the web is) & serving that community through what means you can muster.
Perhaps there should be a blog about bloggers who don’t play fair…a public outing of their blog
It’s what helps keep sites like Ebay (mostly) honest.
One of the most interesting & important discussions I’ve seen on this blog to date & I’ve been reading for nearly 12 months…so that’s saying something.
This whole Web 2.0 thing (are we still calling it that?) seems to be built on reciprocation. It’s almost the NEW ‘Community Service’, being part of a community (blogging, e-commerce, social networking, or whatever your little corner of the web is) & serving that community through what means you can muster.
Perhaps there should be a blog about bloggers who don’t play fair…a public outing of their blog
It’s what helps keep sites like Ebay (mostly) honest.
Twitter seems rife with implicit reciprocity. You’re expected to follow someone who follows you. I’m seeing quite a few noticeslike “you’re being followed by’makezillionsfromhome.’ Relationships are with people. I won’t follow someone like that. I’ll follow “travelagentSue” if she posts relevent & helpful content knowing I’m going to see some commercial content from time to time. But I won’t follow the blatently commercial person.
Twitter seems rife with implicit reciprocity. You’re expected to follow someone who follows you. I’m seeing quite a few noticeslike “you’re being followed by’makezillionsfromhome.’ Relationships are with people. I won’t follow someone like that. I’ll follow “travelagentSue” if she posts relevent & helpful content knowing I’m going to see some commercial content from time to time. But I won’t follow the blatently commercial person.
Well said, Chris. Reciprocation is natural, it’s part what we are, humans. It’s not something we can shake down, even though we can sometime’s lye to ourselves that we don’t really care. But, truthfully, we do. Take a classic scenario, that all the bloggers who commented here must’ve experienced at least once, someone comes along, discovers your blog and starts commenting, regularly. Furthermore he’ll also stumble or your posts and from time to time he’ll even drop an e-mail saying thanks for the great post or anything like that. Of course you’ll gonna go back to his own blog, comment on a few posts you find interesting and even stumble a few of his articles. It’s not only natural, but it’s polite and the right thing to do. Reciprocation is the cornerstone for building a successful network of contacts and when you’re working in the online environment, building is truly crucial.
However, there’s also a line that needs not crossing. I’m talking about manipulations; some are more cleared and upfront, while others are more laid back, shadowed, depending on how good the manipulator is. They’ll do you a set of favors, not for the purpose of building a relationship with you or out of good heart, but rather with the select purpose of getting something out of it. A PURE materialistic desire.
Again, awesome post!
Well said, Chris. Reciprocation is natural, it’s part what we are, humans. It’s not something we can shake down, even though we can sometime’s lye to ourselves that we don’t really care. But, truthfully, we do. Take a classic scenario, that all the bloggers who commented here must’ve experienced at least once, someone comes along, discovers your blog and starts commenting, regularly. Furthermore he’ll also stumble or your posts and from time to time he’ll even drop an e-mail saying thanks for the great post or anything like that. Of course you’ll gonna go back to his own blog, comment on a few posts you find interesting and even stumble a few of his articles. It’s not only natural, but it’s polite and the right thing to do. Reciprocation is the cornerstone for building a successful network of contacts and when you’re working in the online environment, building is truly crucial.
However, there’s also a line that needs not crossing. I’m talking about manipulations; some are more cleared and upfront, while others are more laid back, shadowed, depending on how good the manipulator is. They’ll do you a set of favors, not for the purpose of building a relationship with you or out of good heart, but rather with the select purpose of getting something out of it. A PURE materialistic desire.
Again, awesome post!
I tend to agree with James (comment #2) and I am growing more in that direction. My first impression/gut is that if it feels odd or undeserved, I really have to look further into why they want my input. This could get out of hand with so many folks being insincere and casting a big net for links.
If you have a good thing and write well, folks will find it and use it and sometimes give you some link lovin’. If you deserve it, you could earn it.
I tend to agree with James (comment #2) and I am growing more in that direction. My first impression/gut is that if it feels odd or undeserved, I really have to look further into why they want my input. This could get out of hand with so many folks being insincere and casting a big net for links.
If you have a good thing and write well, folks will find it and use it and sometimes give you some link lovin’. If you deserve it, you could earn it.
Hi Chris, this is indeed a very interesting and vivid conversation.
I try to play fair when it comes to the communities I am part of. I link to posts I like, stumble, mixx, tweet about what seems interesting and don’t really expect something in return, other than people’s opinion:)
I do receive tons of stories from SU and Mixx and follower notices from twitter, but I like that most of them come with an option. Like it, give it thumbs up, don’t like it, that’s about it. I try to work on the same principle whenever I share something with social media friends.
And I’ve also had this pretty good strategy up to now: take the time to know the people you befriend: read their posts, submissions and comments and see if there really is a connection there. This helps filter all the content I then receive.
Yes, I feel I need to return favors at times, but it’s generally because people are sometimes extremely nice and I want to give back part of what I’ve been given. But I don’t think it’s a powerful enough feeling to make any of us forget what we believe in or what we stand for.
Hi Chris, this is indeed a very interesting and vivid conversation.
I try to play fair when it comes to the communities I am part of. I link to posts I like, stumble, mixx, tweet about what seems interesting and don’t really expect something in return, other than people’s opinion:)
I do receive tons of stories from SU and Mixx and follower notices from twitter, but I like that most of them come with an option. Like it, give it thumbs up, don’t like it, that’s about it. I try to work on the same principle whenever I share something with social media friends.
And I’ve also had this pretty good strategy up to now: take the time to know the people you befriend: read their posts, submissions and comments and see if there really is a connection there. This helps filter all the content I then receive.
Yes, I feel I need to return favors at times, but it’s generally because people are sometimes extremely nice and I want to give back part of what I’ve been given. But I don’t think it’s a powerful enough feeling to make any of us forget what we believe in or what we stand for.
I love this conversation, thank you all.
Here’s a quote that I just came across, I think it is relevant:
“As you perform your task, you can give or you can take. If you choose to take, your options will vanish. If you choose to give, the number of options available to you will be infinite.” Michael Katz, http://www.gemisphere.com
I would add, “If you forget to recieve, you become the broken link in the chain of abundance, joy, creativity, and options for others.”
Thank you all!
I love this conversation, thank you all.
Here’s a quote that I just came across, I think it is relevant:
“As you perform your task, you can give or you can take. If you choose to take, your options will vanish. If you choose to give, the number of options available to you will be infinite.” Michael Katz, http://www.gemisphere.com
I would add, “If you forget to recieve, you become the broken link in the chain of abundance, joy, creativity, and options for others.”
Thank you all!
Great post!
This whole “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine” behavior has never sat well with me. To me, if it’s not genuine, it’s just not right.
I don’t mind a casual request once in a while from others and if I think it’s worthy, I’ll Digg or SU it.
Frankly have never had the guts to outright ask others. Perhaps after I’ve been in the community longer and built up friendships AND have a post I really think is worthy, then I would ask.
Until then, I’m still learning and getting aquainted.
Great post!
This whole “I’ll scratch your back if you scratch mine” behavior has never sat well with me. To me, if it’s not genuine, it’s just not right.
I don’t mind a casual request once in a while from others and if I think it’s worthy, I’ll Digg or SU it.
Frankly have never had the guts to outright ask others. Perhaps after I’ve been in the community longer and built up friendships AND have a post I really think is worthy, then I would ask.
Until then, I’m still learning and getting aquainted.
This is an excellent question to raise. I will tell you my philosophy on the issue. If I for example, stumble someones page of course I’d love them to reciprocate. However, and this is a big however: I will not feel resentful that I stumbled them first if they never end up stumbling me in return. If I stumble someone, or comment on someones blog, I may have some degree of hope they will reciprocate it. But if they do not, in no way will I regret what I did. Reciprocation is NOT an obligation, it’s merely something that you as a blogger appreciate when it does happen – nothing more.
This is an excellent question to raise. I will tell you my philosophy on the issue. If I for example, stumble someones page of course I’d love them to reciprocate. However, and this is a big however: I will not feel resentful that I stumbled them first if they never end up stumbling me in return. If I stumble someone, or comment on someones blog, I may have some degree of hope they will reciprocate it. But if they do not, in no way will I regret what I did. Reciprocation is NOT an obligation, it’s merely something that you as a blogger appreciate when it does happen – nothing more.
One thing that I have realized, is that most of the time people don’t follow up. I have seen several posts where people are supposed to stumble the other members articles. And guess what most of the time they are lying. They are not stumbling any articles at all.
One thing that I have realized, is that most of the time people don’t follow up. I have seen several posts where people are supposed to stumble the other members articles. And guess what most of the time they are lying. They are not stumbling any articles at all.